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Sunday, August 31, 2008

I'm such a bitch.

You know what.
I used to like you damn a lot back when we were Secondary One. When we were table-partners, when we joked everyday, when we pretended to be doing our work when the teacher walked past but actually we were talking non-stop.

But when we came to Secondary Two, things changed. It was no longer the same.
You're always up there while I'm nothing. I'm treated as almost invisible. No matter how hard I try, my existence still didnt seem to matter to anyone. No matter what, I'm always inferior to you. I am no one.

I can't freaking stand this feeling.

Going for French lessons have soon become a torture too, when I couldn't understand a single shit my Monsieur said. But you seem to be enjoying yourself a lot. I mean, that's good for you.
But when you keep talking about French and I understand nothing, do you know how useless I feel? Okay, maybe that's not your problem. That's MY PROBLEM, cause I am stupid and dumb. French is just too hard for me to understand.

When I heard that you're going for Nationals, I am happy for you. That was real. But have you ever thought about me? When you qualified for the Thailand trip, you were ecstatic. You told lotsa people about this, and some, even right in front of my face. People had to ask me why I wasn't going. And all I could do was to force out a smile and say "Cos I'm not up to it." That was practically like slapping myself on the face. Could you imagine how I felt? Yes again, that's MY PROBLEM, not yours, cause you were just sharing the good news with everyone else.

I know you've worked very very very hard. And I admire your perseverance and fighting spirit. But we've all worked hard isn't it? I mean, you deserve a place for the Thailand trip, but what about the rest? Who worked so hard as well. Does that mean that without the talent, the sporting ability, one will be despised by the rest?
Well, okay let's just say that life is unfair.

Do you know how many times I was hurt by what you said? I know that wasnt intentional, but the words still came out of your mouth.

You care about results. Results seem to be everything. You've changed. You weren't so competitive last year. Whenever we get back our results, you'll ask for some people's results, and sometimes even me. I have no idea why you would want to know my results, cause you're always smarter than me, and you always do better than me.

I've told myself many times. That I shouldn't dislike you because of everything mentioned above. It's seriously damn unfair. But I couldn't persuade myself.

As time passes, things change. People change.
I'm not a good friend. Because good friends accept who you are, no matter how much you change.

I know what I say now is useless. But nevertheless, Je suis désolé.